With the bravado that only a national cinema organisation of great standing can muster, the British Film Institute has decreed which films are the Top 50 Greatest Films of All Time. It’s a poll weighted heavily to academics and critics – and, as a result, is rather pseudish, brimming with films that the reviewers’ would like people to know that they’ve seen and appreciated. It’s a selection of highbrow films, lest those who make a living from the movies be associated with something as lowbrow as “fun”.

Not that there aren’t fun films in the list or good films in the list. Of course there are. But it’s not an accessible list; not a list overwhelmed with movies that people who aren’t critics might have seen. I’m sure I’d enjoy many of the films on the list – although of the seven I have seen, there are a couple I’d happily not sit through again.

The only response then – as already demonstrated with Laurie’s Top 20 films of all time – is to share our own lists.

In Doctor Who fandom, a world dominated by lists in the way only true obsessives can achieve, we speak of two categorisations: favourite and best. It allows you to concede that the best story of season 11 is Doctor Who and the Time Warrior while harbouring much stronger personal feelings for the romping finale that is Doctor Who and the Planet of the Spiders. So this is a list of favourites that I also think are pretty damn good.

There are plenty of good quality films I would include in a more objective list but of which I’m not a particular fan – The Godfather being a prime example. As with the BFI’s, I’ve written a little bit about the entries in the top part of the list.

I reserve the right to change my mind about all of these tomorrow.

The Top 50 Greatest Films of All Time

1. Back to the Future

If you excuse the somewhat dubious application of time travel theory (why would certain body parts disappear first when history is changed?), this is pretty much a flawless film. Fox and Lloyd are excellent, the script is brimming with laughs, the direction is spot on and the theme song is a karaoke classic. Five Deloreans out of five.

2. Sleuth

Adapted by Anthony Shaffer from his own stage play, this is wonderful. Pompous author Laurence Olivier and upstart hairdresser Michael Caine bound around a big country house attempting to outwit each other. There are twists, turns, a line of dialogue pilfered by The Smiths and a magnificently hammy performance from Olivier.

3. Clue

This one was never going to get anywhere near the BFI’s list but it’s an absolute joy. Thoroughly silly and unashamedly lacking in any deep meaning, this farce’s three different endings make it particularly good value for money – as it should be with Yes, Minister‘s Jonathan Lynn behind it. The cast are great – it’s Christopher Lloyd’s second film in the top three – but the stand-out performance is Madeline Kahn’s, whose Mrs White is unforgettably weird.

4. Psycho

Marion Crane comes from Phoenix and eats like a bird. There may be a theme there, although it’s somewhat tangential to the main thrust of the film, as Norman Bates’s naughty mother starts killing visitors left, right and- Well, there are only the two murders. The shower scene is probably the most famous cinematic murder in history, but if anything (and perhaps because of that) the second is the greater shock.

5. 12 Angry Men

I saw 12 Angry Men for the first time a couple of months ago as part of my attempt to watch all of the films in the IMDB’s Top 250 (I’m up to 108, although it varies because the list changes over time). I was blown away by how good it is – especially since the fame of the film means I had a pretty good idea how it was going to go. The only shame is that, by its nature, there are no women in it at all.

6. In Bruges

The most recent film in my list, coming from 2008. I should hate it. The posters had actually put me off. A gangster film with Colin Farrell? No thanks. But it’s terrific – and not really a gangster film at all. It’s about the relationship between two Irish criminals, delivered through strong performances and a brilliant, theatrical script that begs to be performed. One of my favourite scenes (in any film) involves Brendan Gleeson on the phone, the only character on screen for several minutes, completely captivating as he trades bon mots with an unseen Ralph Fiennes.

7. The Wicker Man

Virginal policeman Edward Woodward visits a creepy Scottish island, with less than hilarious consequences. Weird, suspenseful and with a glorious finale, there is the added bonus of Christopher Lee luxuriating in the role of Lord Summerisle. Spoilers: there’s a wicker man in it.

8. The Princess Bride

A film I’ve perhaps slightly grown out as I’ve become more cynical but this was wonderful when I was younger. A lovely, funny fairy tale, full of memorable scenes (who can’t quote “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die”?), and all told to Fred Savage off of The Wonder Years (now 36!) by loveable grandfather Peter Falk.

9. The Usual Suspects

Not a film I thought I’d enjoy; I was pleased to be proved wrong. It’s good all the way through but earns its high placing thanks to one of the best endings of any film ever.

10. Kind Hearts and Coronets

Alec Guinness playing every member of an extended family, men and women alike, while Dennis Price tries to bump them off? Sounds off but the result is one of the delightfully fine British films ever made. (Yes, a third black and white film in the my top ten. That must make me all arty and cool.)

11. Vertigo

With its iconic Saul Bass title sequence and much-copied pull back and zoom effect (as notably used in Jaws), Vertigo follows clean cut Jimmy Stewart as he gets increasingly obsessed about a woman he saw fall to her death. That’s not going to end well.

12. The Thomas Crown Affair

Before you nod approvingly at my choice of a sixties classic, hold your horses – because this is the 1999 remake with Pierce Brosnan and Rene Russo. More quickly paced, sexy and fun, this is far more enjoyable than the original. Clever, stylish, and another film with a terrific climax.

13. The Lives of Others

Yes, BFI, I can do foreign language films too. This German movie from 2006 is set in 80s East Berlin and examines the results of state surveillance through the ears of a Stasi agent who becomes obsessed with the subjects of his surveillance.

14. Frenzy

Hitchcock’s penultimate film and one of his less well known, this marks a return to London, featuring a bustling Covent Garden in its dying days as a fruit market. The neck tie murderer (that’s his method, not his victim) is on the loose. While laid-back policeman Alec McCowen attempts to solve the crime (and to avoid his wife’s culinary experimentations), Jon Finch tries to prove his innocence and Barry Foster off of Van der Valk swans about looking suave. A strong, seedy thriller.

15. Raiders of the Lost Ark

A rolling boulder, a magical Ark of the Covenant, Denholm Elliott, a stonking John Williams theme tune, Steven Spielberg behind the camera and Harrison Ford creating a new sardonic action hero. Oh, and that bit where he shoots the guy with the whip. What’s not to love?

16. The Sixth Sense

I don’t care if you worked out the twist. I didn’t and went “Ooh” in the cinema.

17. The Sting

Scott Joplin’s The Entertainer tinkles away, welcoming us to the 1930s Illinois and the 1970s film version of Hustle. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid – Newman and Redford – reunite to play an experienced con man and the slightly wet protegé who brings him out of retirement to take down gangster Robert Shaw. It won seven Oscars, but more importantly it’s good, twisty fun.

18. Se7en

Forever destined to be associated with the phrase “What’s in the box?”, this is a second 1995 Kevin Spacey film to grace by list – and he’s suitably creepy in this one. Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman’s police officers – the latter soon to retire, in classic form – are on the hunt for a killer whose methods of murder relate to the Seven Deadly Sins. You’ve got to have a hobby, I suppose.

19. Goldfinger

Although the third bond film, Goldfinger is the most iconic, featuring golden Shirley Eaton, the laser interrogation, Pussy Galore’s Flying Circus, Fort Knox, Oddjob’s hat and that theme tune.

20. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

I was introduced to this a few year’s ago on the outdoor screen at Somerset House. Fittingly, while we were waiting for the film to start, Dr David Owen appeared from the Admiralty and walked through the crowd. Well I thought it was fitting. A very odd Kubrick film with some brilliant moments and one of the best lines in film: “You can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!”

21. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

This one’s in foreign too. I is cultured.

22. Fight Club
23. Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
24. Shaun of the Dead

Yes, you heard me.

25. Evil Under the Sun

Another Shaffer script and a load of camp old fun.

26. Brick

A noir thriller set in a school.

27. A Fish Called Wanda
28. From Russia with Love
29. Twelve Monkeys
30. Back to the Future Part II
31. The Fifth Element
32. Gattaca

Underrated science fiction with Ethan Hawke, Jude Law and Uma Thurman. And, I’ve just remembered, Gore Vidal.

33. Murder on the Orient Express

It doesn’t matter if you know whodunnit.

34. Being John Malkovich

Inspiredly bonkers.

35. A Clockwork Orange
36. Brazil
37. The Silence of the Lambs

Ffffttttfftttffftttffftt

38. The Empire Strikes Back

Marginally better than the first one.

39. Sneakers

More Robert Redford. Has Superman’s dad from Lois & Clark in too. And Danny from The West Wing.

40. Star Wars
41. All About Eve
42. Les Diaboliques

Clouzot, you know.

43. The Man Who Knew too Much

Hitchcock’s colour remake of his own black and white film.

44. The Dark Knight
45. The Game

Michael Douglas has quite a night out.

46. North by Northwest
47. Airplane!

I picked the wrong day to give up making lists.

48. The Truman Show
49. The Lord of the Rings

Yes, the whole thing.

50. Galaxy Quest

And why not?

It’s today! It’s the final! I have booze, I have Euro snacks, and I have time for some snark before it all kicks off.

We’ve come this far together. One more night. Let’s see at who’s made it through the rigours of the two semi-finals (I mean the acts, not you and I) and look at the line-up for tonight’s Euromusic spectacular. No pussyfooting about – this is Truth.

1. United Kingdom – As Arnold Dorsey (call him by his name) himself points out, Love Can Set You Free is a grower. Unfortunately, most of the voting public will see it just once, plus a few recaps. I’m still no fan of the key change in this but on a night with a shocking shortage of key changes, it’s more than welcome. I’ve no doubt Arnold (call him by his name) will belt it out of the arena, in one of the most understated productions of the night, but will that be enough for us to see the contest coming the UK next year? No, no it won’t.
2. Hungary‘s song Sound of Our Hearts is one of my favourites and I was most pleased to see it get through to the final. While Tuesday’s live performance didn’t quite bring the power of the recorded version, this is still a nice catchy number from the oh-so-wittily named Compact Disco.
3. Rona Nishliu from Albania has quite the pair of lungs on her. That epic shrieking was very much present in the semi-final and clearly impressed the voters. If you have ear defenders, I’d put them on before she gets going..
4. Speaking of health and safety, I hope there’s been a proper risk assessment of wearing a blindfold on stage. Lithuania – Donny Montell is a tricksy little man. “Look at my power ballad” he says, tempting you in, and then BOOM he’s swiping you with his up tempo song about the blindness of love. This was one of the two I voted for in the second semi-final Watch out for some seriously sub-Fizz attire removal.
5. Bosnia and Herzegovina rightly made it through the final but there’s not much memorable about this perfectly creditable piano number to suggest it will win through. MayaSar is one of several female acts competing in the parallel game of Who’s Got Servalan‘s Best Outfit?
6. It’s no surprise that Russia made it to the final with their heady mix of crap singing and crap dancing. At least the grannies appear to be having fun, but bear in mind that they want to lure you to their gingerbread house and then bake you in their oven. You don’t want that, do you? No, of course you don’t. (On a side note: when I suggested on Twitter on Tuesday that homophobic Russia may not be an ideal host country for the next Eurovision, someone replied that they didn’t think Russia was homophobic. This from Human Rights Watch is just one quickly Googled reason to disagree with them.)
7. I’m not ashamed to admit that I love Iceland‘s atmospheric duet, with its dramatic lyrics and vibrant fiddling. Sadly, the foreboding silence in the middle of the song that’s in the video didn’t make it to the (tough) live realisation, but it is another song to feature one of tonight’s rare key changes, so cherish it.
8. Cyprus‘s own Catherine Zeta Jones has gone up in my estimation thanks to her performance on what looked like a dry stone wall in the first semi-final and I was pleased to see this get through. It’s pretty standard Eurodance but catchy and fun and I wouldn’t be surprised if it does well.
9. Whistle and I’ll come to you, my France. The song is strong, original and interesting. The performance is very much targeted at the gays. The danger for Anggun is that eyes are on the topless gymnasts when ears should be on her singing. Well, that’s one danger. The other is that she gets concussion. You’ll see why.
10. France is immediately followed by another of the Big Five nations, the recently returned Italy. Nina Zilli has picked a style that will stand out from the crowd, although I’m still finding the transition from verse to chorus jarring. I hope this does well, as it’s been tipped, not least because I’ve drawn it to win in the office Eurovision sweepstake.
11. Estonia was the other country I voted for in the second semi. It’s a nice little ballad, with no snazzy production of gimmicks, carried by a strong performance from Ott Lepland. That said, I’d be surprised if it finishes very high and you may be happy never to hear the word “Kuula” again by the end.
12. I can picture the discussion at Norway Eurovision Towers (every country has a Eurovision Towers): “That guy from Sweden was good last year.” “Eric Saade.” “Yeah. Do you think he’d enter for us this year?” “I doubt it.” “Oh, why not?” “Well, for one thing he’s Swedish.” “OK, then. Launch a national Eric Saade lookalike contest, give the winner Eric Saade’s clothes and make the him represent us at Eurovision singing a not-quite-as-good-as-2011’s-Popular pop number. Do you think you can do that?” “Actually, I think I know just the man…” This track sounds like something Madonna rejected a decade ago. It’s fine, although I’m still not a fan of the rasping synths and I’d happily exchange it for a Popular or a Manboy.
13. Azerbaijan were last year’s winners and so automatically qualify for this year’s final. I’m not sure When the Music Dies would be hear otherwise. Look out for the old man sitting on the glass coffee table. I kid you not.
14. Romania present three minutes of unremarkable jollity. The bagpipe player appears to be a scientist from The War Games.
15. I was surprised Denmark‘s tiresome entry made it to the final. This is just a middle of the road as it was on Tuesday, except this time I’ve already sat through it once. It’s called Should’ve Known Better and yes, Tuesday’s voters, you should’ve. On the plus side, one of her backing singers has a lovely armchair.
16. Good news if Denmark left you slumping in your own armchair – it’s Greece! This is Eurovision by the book and is all the better for it. Catchy, upbeat and fun. I wonder if any wags on Twitter will manage to come up with a joke about the Greek debt crisis when this is on? Maybe a suggestion that Greece couldn’t afford to host the contest next year? I doubt anyone’s thought of that yet so it’ll be pretty funny.
17. Won’t somebody rid me of this euphoric Swede? The Eurovision fans have apparently been in quite the priapic state about this for months and I genuinely don’t know why. Is it because she has frizzy hair? Is it because this is the most generic “euphoria” track ever recorded and also called Euphoric? Bring back Eric Saade (see above). I shan’t eat my words if this wins, because I’ll still be baffled, but I don’t believe it will win so ner. Britain, DO NOT VOTE FOR THIS.
18. I expect the next song to produce a fairly poor result for Turkey, although it will pick up some votes from fans of capes and stereotypically gay leather caps. It fills three minutes but the only thing memorable about it is a particularly create piece of nautical choreography.
19. Spain is another Big Five country with a bye to the final. It’s pretty good, although it might stand a better chance if Spain would accept the hegemony of the English language rather than stubbornly entering song after song in whatever their national language is. Extra points will be available for potentially the best key change of the night.
20. Our final Big Five entry is from Germany, whose track is the one that would sound most at home in the British charts. This isn’t surprising when you learn that Jamie Cullum is now working against the UK, having written this ditty for singer Roman Lob. It’s one of the last ballads in the contest, which may stand it in good stead, and Not Being Very Eurovision did no harm at all to 2010’s German winner Lena.
21. Malta – This is the Night reminds me of Sakis Rouvas’s Greek entry This is Our Night from 2009, which isn’t a big problem. Malta have a habit of entering tedious ballads so this marks a pleasant change of tack, although you may, like me, feel like slapping everyone on the stage and shouting into their stupid faces that there is no Hoxton in Malta.
22. FYR Macedonia – This faux ballad kicks into gear just in time, turning into a nicely rocky number with some electric guitar and strings to drive it home. With all of the big guitar bands knocked out, this may fill a niche.
23. 1980s training montage! It’s Ireland and yes, it’s Jedward. For some reason, despite them representing a country that is not the UK (their own choice), the BBC presenters keep encouraging us to get behind Jedward. I might get behind them if they were standing on some kind of high ledge, but otherwise, no thanks. This song could do well if they manage a reasonable live performance – and they have quite the outfits and staging, not to mention the backing singers, to distract from their singing.
24. Serbia‘s misfortune at being early in their semi-final is offset but healthy late position in the final. This is another ballad that takes a while to get going – many of its brethren having been cast aside in the qualifying round – but it could do all right if the voters are in the mood. I doubt I shall care much by this point.
25. Ukraine – This one’s not for me. It’s upbeat enough but I don’t like the syncopated synths and fake strings. It’s also mostly the same three words over and over again.
26. It’s the last song! And thankfully Moldova have a good one. It’s cheerful, fun, has a nice ska jazz thing, a good instrumental bit and is all about how he’s going to a woo a lady with his trumpet. Also, the singer looks like he could do a bit of DIY if you needed it. The only points off are for a teasing almost-but-not-a-key-change moment (plus Moldova’s another country with issues.)

To assist in any scoring you wish to do, I have prepared a Eurovision 2012 scoresheet. You may find this useful if you wish to shun such nonsense categories as “Costume” or “Choreography” and focus on what the content is really about.

And that’s that. See you at 8pm on BBC One. In the immortal words of Delia Smith: “Let’s be ‘avin’ you! Come on!”

Update: So congratulations to Sweden for winning. I’m still bemused but it’s a nice, progressive country and one that takes its Eurovisioning seriously. I’d happily spend a bit of May there next year given half a chance. At least it wasn’t the Russian grannies. And very bad luck to Arnold, who came undeservedly second from last but did a great job on the night.

Six lucky (or, in five cases, rich) countries get to jump straight to the Eurovision final. The winner of the 2011 contest and therefore host country for this year, Azerbaijan, automatically qualifies, as do the Big Five nations who significantly bankroll Eurovision. Money talks and, in this case, sings. Fortunately for the UK, we’re one of them.

So how do the six songs that have taken these coveted places stand up? Let’s take a look, as we go throoooooough the keyhole.

• United Kingdom – Appealing guitar and smooth strings underscores the human anagram’s waltzing ballad. Engelbert Humperdinck is an old pro who’ll give a strong performance on the night of what is definitely one of the contest’s more memorable slow numbers. I’m not sure the key change or the overblown finale suit the song but this is a perfectly respectable contribution to the UK’s Eurovision canon.
• France‘s best entry since Sébastien Tellier failed to get the recognition he deserved back in 2008. Catchy, original and with a lovely line in whistling. Not that should affect the performance of the song, of course, but I can see the video going down very well with *cough* the average Eurovision fan.
• Italy – I’ll happily take a bit of sax but this Amy Winehouse resurrection feels less than the sum of its parts. Nevertheless, it stands out from the crowd and has a certain funkiness to it. I do wish they’d choose a language and stick to it though…
• Azerbaijan‘s entry is, I’d suggest, actually better than last year’s winner – but then I had barely noticed last year’s winner and was somewhat taken aback when it did so well. This is another one for the fairly large pile marked Serviceable Ballads.
• Spain – It has a strong tune at its heart but it’s nothing special and there’s rather too much screeching towards the end for my liking.
• A very strong song from Germany, who have chosen a modern power ballad that could do very well. (Singer Roman Lob did once try to represent the contry in Eurovision before, but sadly When the Boys Come didn’t make it to the national final.)

That’s two high quality semi-finals and a good group of songs already in the final. From these six, my vote would probably go to France or Germany – given, of course, that I can’t vote for the UK 🙂

Once the semi-finals are over, we’ll know the 20 songs these six are up against along with the final running order. The first semi-final is next Tuesday, May 22nd, and will be broadcast live on BBC Three. Bring it on.

The first Eurovision 2012 semi-final didn’t look too bad for quality, and neither, I’m pleased to report, does the second. There are none of the stonkingly weird tracks that can make Eurovision particularly entertaining, but there are plenty of good songs that deserve to get through the final on May 26th.

Once again, I’ve linked each country name to the song’s video on YouTube so that you can see for yourself what I’m blathering about, should you wish.

This is the semi-final we in the UK are able to vote in, so play close attention. Here are the good, the bad, the ugly and the rest from Semi-Final 2:

The Good

In alphabetical order, these are the ten songs I’d put through to the final:

• Belarus – Rock breaks into the second semi-final with fresh-faced emo motorcycle gang Litesound. (The title, We Are the Heroes, made me briefly confuse this with 2006’s Lithuanian horror, We Are the Winners.) I prefer this to Switzerland’s lone rock effort from the previous semi.
• Bosnia and Herzegovina – A pleasant enough piano ballad that builds gently. It’s position penultimate in the running order may mean it sticks the memory.
• Croatia – This is good but, like so many other songs this year, takes a little too long to come alive. When it does, though, it’s enough to elevate Nebo for promotion. The video offers a group of half naked men fighting over a double bass and the Croatian Andrea Corr, in case that boats your float.
• Estonia – I haven’t checked the translation but from my rough Estonian I think this is a song about a man’s love for his pet koala. It’s one of the stronger ballads and some female backing vocals to complement Ott Lepland’s lead plus a sneaky key change push this through for me.
• Lithuania – Part power ballad, part up tempo number, this has the final spot in the semi-final and I can see it happily – and deservedly – winging its way through to a place in the final.
• FYR Macedonia – There is definitely a theme emerging: gentle tracks with some nice musicality that switch up a gear part way through (much to my relief). This is very much in that category: I was sceptical at the beginning, encouraged only by a touch of violin, but then jumped up a level, passed Go and collected 200 Macedonian denars.
• Malta – Nice of Malta to enter an upbeat number rather than a dreary ballad, so points for that. This is the Night is like one of the better reality show singles: it’s catchy and entertaining but strangely empty and if you peeled away the layers, deep in its heart you’d find Simon Cowell rubbing himself all over with £50 notes. Warning: if you watch the video, you may break your computer monitor as the desire to punch most of the people in it becomes overwhelming.
• Norway – One can’t help but notice the similarities between this and 2011’s third placed Popular by Eric Saade from Sweden. This is nowhere near as good but it succeeds in – ahem – playing to the same market. It’s hard to dislike – more rasping synths aside – but it may find itself in competition with Lithuania.
• I went to Serbia for the first time in March and had a brief discussion there about Eurovision. The Serbians I spoke to enjoy the contest but were concerned that the break-up of Yugoslavia and the USSR into multiple entrants (just look how many I’ve already included) makes it much harder for a Western European country to win – a view I’m sure is shared on this side of the continent. Their entry this year doesn’t start too promisingly, with a strong intrumental offset by some tedious balladeering of the kind I can live without. Nevertheless, I can see this doing all right (if it’s not impacted by going first) and once it springs to life, it’s not bad at all. (Željko Joksimović came close to winning back in 2004 with Lane Moje.)
• Slovakia – The loud metal opening made me expect awfulness from this but it’s another OK rock track. This will be going up again Belarus for those votes and I can see the extra drama of this song helping Slovakia to win that match-up.

The Bad

I’m afraid I can only muster one bad song for this section, and I’ll confess here it’s not even properly terrible. The culprit is…

• Slovenia – They’ve found their way into this section because they commit the ultimate Eurovision sin: it doesn’t matter how tuneful or well performed your song is if it’s dull, dull, dull. You can use all key changes and comedy headwear you like – and the last 30 seconds almost redeem it – but it’s stil nul points from me.

The Ugly

Again, only one song managed to shoehorn its way into this category:

• Georgia‘s entry deserves to be much worse than it is. It’s several songs mixed into one with some curious decisions, not least in the production of the creepy video. It’s kind of fun despite that, but I’m not ruling out having nightmares about a scary man in a white suit.

The Rest

The rules of maths mean that we’re left with six songs that won’t do anyone any harm but don’t make my top tier:

• Bulgaria – The weakest of the Eurodance numbers, with deductions for being this year’s most cynical attempt to use lots of different languages in one song. It’s not awful but definitely a good moment to go and make that cup of tea.
• Netherlands – Oh, Beth Orton, where did it all go wrong? It’s hard to pick out anything that’s definitively wrong with this: it’s tuneful enough, it has a clear style of its own, and yet… I think perhaps it’s so inoffensive that it’s gone right round past infinity and come back as offensive, its twee lyrics giving even Brotherhood of Man a run for their money. I can’t say it’s bad but I’d happily never have to hear it again. (And yes, I restrained myself from commenting on singer/writer Joan’s interesting choice of outfit.)
• Come on, Portugal – let’s not do this. There were a few nice touches, but when the backing singers came on I was hoping it was a sign of impending excitement rather than a few oohs, aahs and uninteresting harmonies. Go away and do it again.
• Sweden – More tedious syncopated synth Eurodance. At least its title will help those compiling this years’ euphoria albums work out whether it qualifies for inclusion. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it does OK – it’s unfathomably been tipped for huge success – but *mumbles something about ABBA*
• Turkey have had a mixed track record over the last decade with several songs hitting the top five, including 2003’s winner Everyway That I Can and 2009’s unforgettable Düm Tek Tek. I can’t see Love Me Back setting the EBU on fire with its bizarre lyrics and obsession with nautical metaphors but neither is it a shipwreck.
• Ukraine – After a promising intro, I turned against this. With its mainstream dance attitude, it could do well given the right audience, but those syncopated synths and artificial strings don’t appeal to me at all.

Another good line-up so tune in for the second semi-final on Thursday 24th and see who makes it though – and cast your vote. I’m leaning towards Lithuania, Slovakia or Belarus but we’ll see how they do on the night.

Next time: the Big Five bankrolling countries and last year’s winner Azerbaijan are guaranteed places in the final. We’ll take a look at the six songs the winners of the semi-finals will be facing on May 26th.