It’s Eurovision time!

Of course you have Saturday’s final circled in your calendar, but don’t forget that before we can tackle the main event, we have to whittle 31 countries down to 20. With two fewer countries taking part this year, the entrants stand a marginally better chance of making it through to their semi-final – but all the more gutting for the 11 who don’t. The 10 successful countries from each semi-final will join the Big Five – France, Spain, Italy, Germany and the UK – alongside last year’s winner Denmark in the final.

The UK can’t vote in the first semi-final – so don’t even try – but the show will be broadcast live on BBC Three. I won’t be watching on BBC Three though because – touch wood – I’ll be sitting in the Alexander Rybak stand in the hall watching it in person. Oh yes.

Contenders, ready!

1. Armenia – And we’re straight in with one of the favourites. If you didn’t know already that this song is called Not Alone, you will once you’ve heard the phrase repeated – and I’ve counted – 32,000 times during three minutes. It’s a builder and its popularity rather rests on a textbook crescendo – although this also means that a third of the song is pretty dramatic, but only a third of it. I’m not a fan of Aram MP3’s voice (or his questionable views) but this will surely make it through to the final.
2. Latvia – Eurovision is, of course, famous for its more eccentric entries and you don’t have to wait long to find one of this year’s. It’s called Cake to Bake. It’s about baking a cake, alongside an eclectic range of other activities (including working with Sherlock Holmes and Indiana Jones) that a less charitable commentator might suggest add up to a nonsense song. There’s an outside chance that Cake to Bake could be a euphemism but it genuinely seems to be about baking. The music uses one of the most hackneyed chord progressions there is, giving the overall impression of a song thrown together at the last minute when someone woke up hung over and realised the deadline was about to pass. My jaw dropped when I first heard this. And yet, you’ll still be humming it tomorrow.
3. Estonia – An OK, upbeat ditty from Estonia, although you may tire of it before it ends.
4. Sweden – Sanna Nielsen’s Undo is another favourite and particularly popular among the Eurovision fan clubs across the continent. It’s an upmarket ballad, performed well and, like so many songs every year, livens up once it gets going. I like it much more now than I did the first time I heard it – but at Eurovision, first impressions count.
5. Iceland – There is a specific category of Eurovision song: the well-meaning polemic. There is another category: the “fun” band. Draw the Venn diagram of the two and Iceland’s Pollapönk sit squarely in the intersection. The song is called No Prejudice, which may give you the subtlest of hints what its message is. Its intentions are good and the verses are passable but – after an uncomfortable segue – the chorus makes it sound like a theatre group performing a morality play at a primary school. A disco breaks and a key change can’t make up for that.
6. Albania – This is straightforward although the melody comes and goes. There’s a nice if outdated guitar solo then the whole thing goes a bit Evanescence.
7. Russia – Ah, Russia. Everyone’s favourite European country at the moment. No surprises that they’re going as clean cut and photogenic as possible with the Tolmachevy Sisters – who would want to boo them? The song itself is gentle and inconsequential – and sounds like a hundred Eurovision entries before it.
8. Azerbaijan – Start a Fire is another simple, classy ballad. It’s perfectly pleasant enough but, despite its name, the fire never catches light.
9. Ukraine – I really shouldn’t like Ukraine’s Tick-Tock. The lyrics alone – “Tick-Tock, my heart is like a clock” – should be enough to send them packing. And yet it’s a by-the-numbers pop track so it’s difficult not to enjoy despite yourself. There’s a bit of whistling, of which more later in the contest, and a hamster wheel reminiscent of Svetlana’s 2009 entry. Catchy nothingness.
10. Belgium – Ah, yes. So, Belgium. Axel Hirsoux seems like a nice chap. He’s got a tailored dinner jacket and a great singing voice. This is a heartfelt ballad. But everyone – and I mean everyone – is going to go away thoroughly disturbed and wondering about the exact nature of the his relationship with his mother. After all, a boy’s best friend is his mother.
11. Moldova – “Let the sky fall…” Wild Soul is the first of the contest’s two wannabe Bond themes and it’s lucky for Moldova that the other is in Thursday’s semi-final. Like a good Bond theme, it’s an echoing ballad with some darting strings, a syncopated chorus and a strong female vocal. Like a good Eurovision song, it’s got a cracking key change. It might not be a favourite but I want it to do well.
12. San Marino – Valentina’s back, for the third year in a row representing San Marino, a country so small it only has one singer. Received wisdom is that this doesn’t reach the dizzy heights of 2011’s The Social Network Song. It doesn’t exactly stand out but this is actually my favourite of her three songs and it’s about time she finally made it to the final. Despite the spoken bit.
13. Portugal – This conjures up the feeling of sipping cocktails on a cheap package tour on the Iberian peninsula, which you can take either way. It might be the lacklustre production but the song doesn’t quite gel – but at least has the decency to end on a high.
14. Netherlands – Calm After the Storm is the Netherlands’ answer to Islands in the Stream. Tired now. Next.
15. Montenegro – Ethnic flutes. Middle aged man singing lonely ballad. Come on, Balkans, it’s time to break the cycle. And this is one of the better ones.
16. Hungary – It might sound facetious but I’m being completely serious when I say that András Kállay-Saunders has pulled off the impossible: a dark, depressing song about domestic abuse that you can dance to. Any questions about the subject matter are dispelled by the official video, which pulls no punches. What’s more, it’s a pretty good song and should do well.

There we go. Only 6 of these well be sent packing. The other 10 we’ll meet again on Saturday. And on Thursday 15 more songs will vie for the last 10 places…

It seems only a few days since the semi-finals kicked off in Malmö, probably because it was. But now it’s time to look ahead to the Big One. No, not the rollercoaster. Not a long-forgotten Sandi Toksvig/Mike McShane sitcom, references to which will be lost on almost everyone, resulting in a convoluted sentence that adds nothing. No. I’m talking the Eurovision final 2013! 26 songs, 12 hours of voting and the chance for one country to take away the coveted joint prize of the Eurovision title and the financial millstone of hosting 2014’s competition.

Let’s meet the teams.

1. France – We open with our cousins over the English Channel. They’ve become quite good over the last decade at dropping something refreshing and different into the Eurovision pot and this is one of those. It’s not going to blow the contest away but it’s different, coherent, passionate and a good use of three minutes
2. Lithuania – A surprise qualifier for Tuesday’s semi-final. Andrius may have screen presence but this is still a song in desperate need of a melody. Not amount of hair gel and staring into the camera can make up limiting yourself to three notes.
3. Moldova – Like so many songs this year – especially the solo female vocalists’ – this rather takes its time to get going. It could do with a stronger finale but no-one will be listening because it’s all about the dress.
4. Finland – Krista Siegfrids went down very well with the crowd on Thursday, topping off a camp display with a same sex kiss that overjoyed the audience in the stadium but led to Turkish television refusing to screen the semi-final. The lyrics are controversial – by turn demanding and submissive – but there’s no doubt this has a strong balance of playfulness and tunefulness. It should do well.
5. Spain – A long folky introduction often serves as a warning but once this gets some percussion behind it, it’s not bad. It’s fairly unmemorable but not unpleasant.
6. Belgium – Love Kills came alive on Tuesday night. It came across much better than I expected and will hopefully do the same again in the final. After a good sixth in 2010, Belgium spent two years failing to qualify so it’s about time they had another decent result. This upbeat number might well trouble the top ten but it’s a strong field.
7. Estonia – Loo break.
8. Belarus – I’m by no means the only person to have noticed that Belarus is taking full advantage of Turkey’s absence from the contest this year. Presentation, production, music, performance, nonsense lyrics: it’s all straight out of the Ankara playbook. This should do well although it can’t be allowed to win as Belarus is an entirely inappropriate host for the contest. Look out for the daring rhyme “Solayoh/We play-oh”.
9. Malta – Yes it’s twee, but there’s something endearing and positive about this simple song that forces you to like it. Gianluca’s performance on Thursday night wasn’t especially powerful and this might get lost in the grandstanding of the final.
10. Russia is another country that I wouldn’t want to see hosting but this, with its marginally hypocritical lyrics about everyone loving one another and ending violence, could do well. It’s another number that really takes off for the final third.
11. Germany – Blimey, this rips off last year’s winner Euphoria something chronic. It may not actually have plagiarised Loreen but it’s certainly fallen into the common trap of trying to emulate the previous victor’s success by copying the style and approach. It loses points for that and also because I wasn’t a big fan of last year’s winner, of which this is a pale imitation. Bah.
12. Armenia – I’m sure I heard booing in the hall when this qualified from the second semi-final and, however gauche that way, I can undersand why because it’s proper naff. The lyrics are the main fault – “Lonely planet/Who has done it?” – but at least there’s a key change.
13. Netherlands – Now we get to the good stuff with a run of six strong contenders. First up is Anouk with her birdie song. She has a great voice, although I’d’ve liked it to be a bit stronger in the semi-final, and the song is refreshingly different – understated and musically lush. I really hope this does well.
14. Romania – I hope this does well too. It’s quite audacious and Cezar gives it his all (though will hopefully get them back later). Sure, there’s a gimmick, but the underlying song is strong enough to work with it. I’ll say no more because it has to be seen to be believed.
15. United Kingdom – Heeeeeeeeeere’s Bonnie! The latest act given Eurovision day release from the UK pop retirement home to take part in Eurovision is Gaynor Hopkins (call her by her name) carries the UK’s vain hopes this year. An experienced performer with a track record of touring Europe, she should do all right – although that’s what we said about Englebert last year. This is perfectly serviceable but sadly not the kind of dramatic power ballad that we associate with its singer. It’s a grower – admittedly not helpful when you only have one performance to hit home – and there’s a strong middle eight but after that it fades to nothing. If it wasn’t the UK’s entry, we probably wouldn’t look twice at it. Fingers crossed for top ten.
16. Sweden – the host country have decided to keep to the dancey type of song that won them the contest last year. It’s by no means as distinctive as its predecessor and is slightly overwhelmed by Robin Stjernberg’s vocal gymnastics but it’s nevertheless a catchy and upbeat track. I hope he doesn’t grin as much as he did in Melodifestivalen.
17. Hungary – Like Malta’s entry, this was less strong in performance on Thursday night than it is in it’s studio recording. Frankly, singer ByeAlex looked terrified by the whole thing. I hope getting through to the final has perked him up because this is a nice little song, another gentle track that’s a bit different from the crowd, and it would be a shame if it was let down by a performance that holds back.
18. Denmark – This run of six ends with the bookies’ favourite and another potential winner from northern Europe. I could do without the cliché flute but you can see why this has attracted a lot of attention. Mix together a catchy chorus, syncopated percussion and good backing vocals and you’re halfway to the prize.
19. Iceland – I can’t say anything negative about this other than it’s rather bland. It builds up nicely and has a good singer behind it but after the previous six, this is a good opportunity to make the tea.
20. Azerbaijan – This won me over much more on Thursday night than it had previously. Very clever staging and a singer who exudes confidence complement a fun if fairly familiar song. I’ll even forgive “Hold me/Unfold me.”
21. Greece – Like Azerbaijan, this worked much better than expected on stage. I’m entirely on side with a song that says alcohol is free and I rather suspect the UK will give this plenty of points. There’s funky instrumentation and a memorable chorus – worth a look.
22. Ukraine – Bless the giant at the beginning (no, really) but it’s a terrible idea that adds nothing. It’s two styles stitched together as if it can’t quite make up it’s mind – or is cynically trying to appeal to two different demographics. The danger is, of course, that you alienate both. Will probably do better that I’d place it.
23. The last of the automatic qualifiers is Italy and I’m not sure it would be in the final if the country didn’t put so much money in. There are a few OK moments scattered through the song but on the whole it’s pretty dull even if, like so many of its competitors, it improves towards the end.
24. Norway – Despite the annoying bleating noise, this is another strong entry from Scandinavia. I’d’ve liked a bit more oomph in the performance on Thursday night. The song has a relentless drive to it but the vocals need that stark power to pull it off.
25. Georgia perhaps turned in to BBC Three’s How to Win Eurovision because this is certainly by the book. It left me feeling a bit flat but you can see why it could do well, especially if the audience have forgotten the dull opening by the time it reaches it’s worthier conclusion.
26. And finally, benefiting from the relief and greater attention afford the last entrant, it’s Ireland. Already growing on me in the run-up to Tuesday’s semi-final, this still took me a bit by surprise – and not just for it’s cynical but welcome approach to staging. This could get a very high placing if it comes off on the night.

There you go. Denmark’s a favourite but it’s quite an open field, especially with every one of the former Yugoslavian states out of the running. Will their votes stay east? Will Scandinavia retain the title? Will millions of viewers across Europe believe in a Welsh lass called Gaynor? Only time will tell. And if you’d like to cast your judgement alongside, you can download my 2013 scoresheet.

The first semi-final was pretty good. Good work, Sweden, and a particular mention to Ireland and Belgium, who both came across much better than I expected. Most of my preferred songs got through – although Serbia didn’t help themselves with their bizarre Hello Kitty outfits and didn’t make the cut. We rightly said au revoir to Slovenia and Montenegro, with the dreary Lithuanian entry an unexpected qualifier.

Tonight it’s the second semi final and 10 of tonight’s 17 songs will progress through to Saturday’s final to join Belarus, Belgium, Denmark, Estonia, France, Germany, Ireland, Italy, Lithuania, Moldova, Netherlands, Russia, Spain, Sweden, the UK and Ukraine on stage.

Here are my thoughts on the 17 songs vying for those coveted final places coming up tonight (from 8pm on BBC Three).

The Good

• Azerbaijan – This is nice enough middle-of-the-road Eurovision fare, albeit with a key change that’s almost squashed. I actually prefer it to their winning song Running Scared, but “Hold me/Unfold me”? No.
• Finland – Now here’s a fan favourite and no mistake. It’s pretty silly but has its camp sense of humour in exactly the right place and the result is good, toe-tapping fun.
• Hungary – This is a lovely, gentle little number and not traditionally Eurovision at all. It might not come off as well live as in the pristinely produced studio recording but it’s another good entry from Hungary and I hope it does well.
• Latvia – The first couple of seconds are awful but suddenly it segues into a genuinely catchy chorus – and then they ruin it all with some naff rapping. Despite that it’s very jolly and that could be enough to carry it through.
• Malta – Yeah, this is a bit twee but it’s sweet and hard not to like. It’s gentle, tuneful and, let’s face it, a nice change for Malta from a big-lunged ballad.
• Norway – That bleating noise on the backing track is pretty annoying but the vocals are stark and the whole thing has a relentless drive to it.
• San Marino – This is another song that leaves it almost too late to get going. Two minutes in, it finally goes up a few gears and we have one third of a good song. Most of it is pretty middling but the end, including a handsome key change, push it up to the next level.
• Switzerland – Not only have Switzerland got a very well-thumbed copy of a rhyming dictionary, it appears to be a simple primary school version. Nevertheless, this is hard to dislike and the Salvation Army singers manage to beat you into submission through repetition.

The Bad

• Armenia – This is in danger of turning into the Stonecutters song from The Simpsons. “Lonely planet/Who has done it?” is as good as the lyrics get and they are sufficiently cringeworthy to spare us considering the reasonable melody and render this worth avoiding. The end’s annoying too. Still, key change.
• Israel – Israel does seem to swing back and forth wildly with its entries. Last year’s was fun but this is dreary entry and a perfect moment for popping out to make a brew.

The Ugly

• FYR Macedonia – Good grief. With the rest of the former Yugoslavia out of the running, Macedonia could be on the receiving end of a lot of local douzes, and Macedonia’s answer to Freddie Mercury (Lozano) and Monserrat Caballé (Esma) will certainly need them. Not only did they forgot to bring a decent song, Esma genuinely appears to be gargling at one point. It’s like Lozano’s great aunt has turned up drunk to ruin his big moment on The X Factor. Are these two even talking to each other?
• Greece – Bless Greece. Things have got so bad, they’re left with a song in honour of booze. I’m entirely in favour of the sentiment but some funky instrumentation can’t get away from vocals that sound like the subject of the song is also its fuel.
• Romania – Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve struck the motherlode. This is almost impossible to judge but I’d like to see it get the exposure it deserves on Saturday night. It’s kind of got a good melody but that’s hard to talk about without… Well, you really have to see for yourself. This is going to be Friday morning’s water cooler momment and I wouldn’t want to spoil it for you. I just hope he finds them again.

The Rest

• Albania – A fairly standard rocky chorus and an OK guitar solo are undermined by letting the guitarist’s gravelly blandless loose on the opening verse.
• Bulgaria – Oh dear. This starts promisingly enough with a bit of Eurovision Percussion but then the singing says the same for three minutes, with no variety or structure aside from a bit of wailing near the end. There’s a drumming interlude that’s enjoyable enough but otherwise it’s only real use is as background music in an Indian restaurant.
• Georgia – It’s not bad when it gets going, pulling out a nice key change and (unintentionally, I’m sure) name-checking Denmark’s best entry of recent years. It could do well but lyrically it’s pretty flat and the opening is dull.
• Iceland – Slightly bland but it builds gently, has a good key change and Iceland’s Badly Drawn Boy sings it well.

Hello, Europe!

It’s that time again – the most important TV event of the year, the Eurovision Song Contest. And the final is the same evening as the Doctor Who finale, just to make the whole night even more exciting.

Before we can reach the final, though, 33 countries have to fight their way through the two semi-finals. I’m a bit busy at the moment so let’s get straight down to business. Here’s what you can expect from the 16 songs in the first semi-final (Tuesday night at 8pm on BBC Three).

The Good

• Belarus – With no Turkey in the contest this year, Belarus could be moving tanks onto their lawn. It’s the kind of catchy female vocal and borderline nonsense lyrics we’re used to Turkey taking to a good position in the table. Seriously though – “Solayoh/We play-oh”? No rhyming prize for you.
• Belgium – A basic melody and a well-thumbed rhyming dictionary work well with an upbeat tempo and a nice middle eight to produce a fairly decent result. At the very least it’s NBFB – Not Bad For Belgium.
• Cyprus – There’s an awkward moment in the first verse of many Eurovision songs where they either take off or sink away. This didn’t shoot into the sky but it improved as it went along, averaging not bad at all..
• Denmark – One of the top tips for the contest and one of many strong entries from northern Europe. The penny whistle is a bit of a gimmick but I’m a sucker for a Danish entry and while this isn’t up there with the best she’s got a good pair of lungs, a catchy chorus, some syncopated percussion and nice backing vocals, and that’s a strong combination.
• Ireland – First things first: no, it’s not Jedward. And even ignoring them, this is the best Irish entry in a long time. Going full throttle for a club feel, you could really imagine this as a summer hit or a One Direction single. I mean, I wouldn’t buy it but I could see it going down well. A lot of this is in the production, though – live on stage, it could be abysmal.
• Moldova – I spent the first half willing this to be one of the good ones – would it go for it? It did, rising up the scale to some big notes, although it slightly pulled its punch at the end.
• Netherlands – All those people who bought Lana Del Rey’s records? Anouk is after your votes. She has a characterful voice and the song has a simple, unchallenging beauty to it. It’s memorable and it deserves to do well.
• Russia – A sweet little ditty although very much afflicted with twee Eurovision lyrics about ending wars and poverty and that. A million times better than singing grannies though and the final third is terrific.
• Serbia – Serbia have dispatched their own version of Bananarama and you know, it works. The three Mojes work well together and the result is a proper toe-tapper – albeit one that ends rather suddenly when the three-minute maximum hits.

The Bad

• Lithuania – The upbeat backing track can’t conceal that this song is missing something quite major: a tune. Each time it segues into the chorus, it feels like it’s going to grow big but no, it just carries on with one of the three notes Andrius condescends to use. A shame.
• Slovenia – Predictably, some entries will attempt to mimic the previous year’s winner and so enter Slovenia’s answer to Loreen, Hannah. Unfortunately, creating a backing track of really annoying electronic pulsing doesn’t automatically make for a euphoric anthem. Well, sadly it probably does but the song itself can’t carry it and no amount of bleeping will fix that.

The Ugly

• Montenegro – Now here’s some Eurovision awfulness of the old school. An intro of screechy vocals is followed by some naff rapping before a chorus that’s all over the place. The second verse appears to be a rapped seafood recipe. A mishmash of dreadful. Hurrah.

The Rest

• Austria – Starts promisingly but after a few lines swerves so far into the middle of the road it’s a danger to traffic in both directions. The big key change comes too late to redeem it and with too much wailing.
• Croatia – They might look like an identity parade in Moss Bros but this is melodic and harmonious. It doesn’t seem anywhere near as miserable as it should really.
• Estonia – This seems fine. Nothing desperately wrong with it but yeah. Next.
• Ukraine – After a gentle start, the change in direction and stabbing synths caught me by surprise. It’s fun while it lasts but it doesn’t really build to anything. It’s one of the tips for a good placing, which bemuses me.