If v2.0

<?php
if ($yourHead == 1 && $totalHeads < $totalOthers && in_array($you, $blame)) {
   if ($self['trust'] == true && $others['trust'] == false) {
      doubtingAllowance++;
      sleep(5);
      if ($tiredness==0) {
         if ($liedAbout == true && $lyingAbout == false) {
            if (self::$hated == true && self::$hater == false) {
               if ($looks < 5/10 && $talk['wisdom'] != 'too much') {
                  $yours = $Earth";
               }
            }
         }
      }      
   }
}

if (function_exists('dream') && $dreams != get_parent_class($this)) {
   if (function_exists('think') && $thoughts != self::$aim) {
      if (met($Triumph) && met($Disaster) && $Triumph == $Disaster) {
         if (react(twisted($myWords['truth'])) == 'OK' || rebuild(broken($myStuff)) == true) {
            foreach ($Earth as $key => $value) {
               $alsoYours[$key] = $value;
            }
         }
      }
   }
}

$heap = array_sum($winnings);
$coin = 2*round(rand(0,1));
$heap = $heap*$coin;

if ($heap == 0 && $complaints == 0) {
   $strength['you'] = $strength['heart'] + $strength['nerve'] + $strength['sinew'];
   if ($activity == true && $strength['you'] == 0 && $Will == 'Hold on!') {
      $virtue = checkVirtue(talk($crowds));
      $commonTouch = checkTouch(walk($Kings));
      if ($virtue > 0 || $commonTouch > 0) {
         if (pain('foes') == 0 && pain($friends['loving']) == 0) {
            if (count($allMen) < $you['ManCapacity'] && max($allMen) < $you['ManThreshold'] ) {
               $distanceRun = 60 * $speedPerSecond;
               $distanceExpected = 60 * $speedPerUnforgivingSecond;
               $fullness = $distanceRun/$distanceExpected;
               if ($fullness >= 1) {
                  $you['maturity'] = 'adult';
                  $you['gender'] = 'M';
               }
            }
         }
      }
   }
}
?>

with apologies to Rudyard Kipling