Nich has tagged me with Iain’s “Ten Things I Would Never Do” meme. This has taken me a while as I’ve found it quite tricky, being more of a “Never say never” chap (but definitely not a Never Say Never Again chap), so some of the list are on the Grumpy Old Men side. Without nicking too many from other people who’ve done this, here are my ten. I reserve the right to maybe do some of these things, and, more importantly, never to do other things not listed below.

1. Become vegetarian
   Short of some Survivors style disaster that wipes out all the animals (or at least all the tasty ones), I couldn’t be vegetarian. I can make do with a Quorn-based meal from time to time, but meat is too delicious and proteiny to lose from my diet. Mmm, poultry…
2. Join a religion
   Some nice buildings and music, but no thanks. I’ve tried in the past and I just can’t do it. I’d quote Fox Mulder’s “I Want To Believe” poster, but I really don’t.
3. Wear a beard to party conference
   I am a lazy shaver (I broke my razor last night trying to clear the thicket) but since my first party conference I have had a policy of going clean shaven so as not to reinforce certain stereotypes about the Liberal Democrats. That conference in Torquay did demonstrate, though, why I don’t shave often: shortly after arriving at my hotel, I had a shave and cut the hard-to-avoid mole on my chin, delaying my arrival at the conference itself by about an hour while I lay in my room waiting for the bleeding to stop and hoping not to pass out…
4. Buy organic food
   A seven-letter word used to con middle class worriers into paying through the nose in the belief they’re getting a better product.
5. Go to G.A.Y.
   Many times I have walked past the Astoria on Charing Cross Road and seen their cinema style “What’s On” sign advertising one of these godawful nights, most of which feature some desperate miming pop group hoping the fickle punters will fork out for their shoddy single, and promised myself that I would never be dragged there, not even “ironically”. (One of my friends did go and tells me she ended up having a lovely chat with Brian off of Big Brother, so that pretty much confirms my apprehensions.)
6. Use a Barclays Bank deposit machine
   This week’s mini crisis was Barclays losing a what I considered a significant sum of my money (although it pales in comparion to the five figure sum a colleague told me her bank misplaced!). They’ve since found it and agreed to refund the charge they made for causing me to be overdrawn but I’d rather not have a repeat.
7. Wear white socks
   Shamelessly nicked from inspired by Stephen’s list. I don’t and won’t. I would consider an exception were I to play sport, but I think we all know that Hell will host the Winter Olympics before that happens. I also don’t wear shorts, but I won’t quite rule out that ever happening.
8. Purchase music by a boyband
   Online purchasing may let you hide your shame, but I still just couldn’t.
9. Watch daytime talk shows
   Of the Kilroy/Trisha/Jeremy Kyle variety. Can’t see the attraction, even as car crash TV.
10. Dye my hair to hide the grey
    I’m partly relying on the expectation of not actually going grey. I might do it for fun though.

I don’t usually go in for tagging, trendbucking cool kid that I am, but I feel in the mood at the moment so I shall tag Gavin, Rob, Alan, and Lisa.